Rolling the Dice: A Brain Injury Survivor's Unlikely Path To Healing Through Gaming | Nicholas Ruchlewicz

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Welcome to the Human Experience, a podcast about the stories we live

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out every day and the importance of championing the vulnerability and courage

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of the storyteller. I'm your host, Jennifer Peterkin, and it

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was through my own lived story of experiencing domestic violence that this podcast

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was created. By traveling the globe and interviewing each guest in person,

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I am convinced now more than ever, that stories have the

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power to change the world. Thank you for being here.

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In a world full of noise, to listen with intention is

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an act of resistance. Nicholas, thank you so

10
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much for having me in your home today so that we can

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do this interview. It's very kind to share this space with you and

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I'm really excited to listen to your story, to hear

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from you about the experiences in your life that led you

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to where you are today. So thanks for. Thanks for hosting us.

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Thank you, Jennifer. I appreciate it very much. So if I were

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to ask you, where does your story start? How would you

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answer that question? The biggest chapter, let's just say, in my story,

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would be March 15, 2016, which is almost

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10 years to the day away. That was when I was involved in a

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single vehicle motorcycle crash and quite

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a bit of injury. Separated pelvic circle, broken sacroiliac,

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crushed left orbital, massive concussion, right side brain bleed,

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subdermal hematoma. Wow. Yeah. Mouthful.

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Obviously. Just a little bit of trauma. Yeah, just a smidge. Oh,

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my goodness. Like I said, it's been about 10 years, which is. I mean,

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it seems like forever. It also seems like it just happened,

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and I'm grateful that I've been able to. Again,

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that was just one chapter in my story, but that chapter has grown

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and grown. So I'm grateful to be able to utilize my experience,

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my trauma, my brain injury, and my mental

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health struggles to help support others and help. Help bring awareness

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to, you know, what goes on in, in all of us. But,

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you know, especially, you know, men with traumatic brain injuries and other,

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you know, it's very isolating. It's very.

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It's tough. And everyone. Every injury is different and they

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call it the invisible injury. And so I just like to give

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a voice because I have a good voice. You do have a

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good voice. As people ask like, oh, you like npr? I'm like,

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not really. It's like, oh, well, your initial, I was like, my initials are Nicholas

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Peter Clevage. So npr. So that was the whole. And I like to talk a

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lot. So it worked out really well.

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Wow, what a. I mean, talk about a.

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A singular moment where everything changes. And I

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feel like we don't always have those in life. Like, you know,

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things are pretty gradual or they happen over enough

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of a span of time that we're really actually looking back

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to see how much things have changed. But for you,

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that really in the blink of an eye, essentially.

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Were you an avid motorcycle rider?

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No, I mean, I just. So I had a. I had a really rough separation

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and divorce the year before and I wanted to ride.

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I had a bunch of co workers that rode. They really wanted me to ride

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with them. So I was excited to do it. So that was my big,

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you know, I just get out of jail card. Like, oh, I just got,

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you know, separated everything. It's finalized. Great. So I had my

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license for about a year, my motorcycle license. And then. And I got a bike.

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And we're in Northern Virginia and as we know, Northeast weather

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can change anytime. So it snowed,

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I think the first week of March. So I didn't want to ride my new

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bike out in it. But I had a really big storage unit with all

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my stuff from my separation. I was living in my mom's basement,

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what every 35 year old male is excited to do. And I would just

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ride the bike every night, just, I didn't want to take it on

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the road, ruin the paint. And then one day something happened and then,

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yeah, it was, it was all very fortunate

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circumstance that it happened. Like my

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mother came home, she asked my brother, like, what's Nicholas dogs

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doing? They're acting up. I don't know. Called my girlfriend,

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she couldn't know my other friend's number. Met someone on Facebook,

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had his number, then he called him and they all came to the storage unit

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and nothing looked like it was wrong. They called the police and

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a friend broke open the gate so the cops can go in there.

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So it wasn't breaking and entering. And that's where the paramedics found me.

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So my last time they saw me on camera was about 7:30

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and 7:31, going around the facility. And the paramedics showed

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up around 11:20 at night, so about four hours.

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And were you at all aware of

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any of this as it was happening? Okay, I didn't think so, but I wanted

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to just clarify. Yeah. And every. So I was never in a

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coma, but I was technically, I was responsive on the scene.

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As in when people came, I would make noises or try to, you know,

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when they'd ask me, you know, I would, I would make sounds. So. But I

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have no memory of it. You know, every brain injury is different.

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You know, my, my injury and of course I was wearing

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a helmet. If not, I would have been gone instantly. Yeah, but you know,

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right side of your brain controls like your vision,

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your cognitive functions, problem solving ability.

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So all that was your right side of your brain. So for me it

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was like lights out for almost 12 days. Even though

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I was active, people would talk to me and I would respond to

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them like oh, we're gonna go to dinner or stuff like that to get me

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to eat. But I have zero. It's very much a blank

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slate. Yeah. How much time did you spend in the hospital?

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So I was in the trauma center at Inova Fairfax,

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which is only area only Level 1 TRAU Trauma Center. I was taken

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there right away. I was there for roughly 13 days.

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Yeah, about 13 days. And then

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I was taken to a acute rehab facility in Alexandria,

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Mount Vernon Rehabilitation Center. So even though,

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and I was discharged from the trauma unit

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because I was like stable. I was not aware of anything.

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Like I was not, I was not aware of where I was anything

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else. And I remember going to, that was the

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rehab facility because when the patient

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transport said is I'm going to take you there. My name's Kyle and I said

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that's my girlfriend's brother's name. So that's when my brain started trying to click.

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So I went to a rehab facility where I had to relearn

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how to use my hands. I couldn't, I saw two of everything. I couldn't read

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my left side, I couldn't stand. I was not weight bearing for 12

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weeks because of the pelvic separation and I had to

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regain everything, complete independence.

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I mean when you have to have your 35 year old male, having people help

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clean you up and use restroom and shower,

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it's not a fun little feeling to be in.

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So I was in the facility for about 15 days.

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I was released on April 15 and I was

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released in a wheelchair. I still didn't have any of my hair because I had

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to. I would say that movie Face off is full of crap because

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they cut me from ear to ear to redo my eye socket. So I

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had to, it was a long recovery. And in

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the hospital I can

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see the gains physically and I can see when I work with patients their gains

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are doing. But the hardest part for a brain injury is sometimes

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you don't know what's going on behind their eyes. And so I had to,

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I had to force myself to slow down, have a sort of self

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to kind of recognize where I was. I was very compulsive. It's very

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Much a symptom of a right side brain injury.

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And also anger is a very much a triggering thing. That's why we'll

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say, oh, when they get head injuries, they're very angry. Our bodies have

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a hard time of trying to process emotions, and that's where adrenaline comes

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out. And fortunately, like I said earlier,

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I had a really rough separation a year before,

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which I always say was the hardest thing I ever went through, because I was

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around people that wanted to hate or take. And at least I was in the

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hospital that wanted to help me. But through that,

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my previous journey into the hospital, I did see a

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therapist to help. I was like, how do I help my ex wife? How do

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I help them? And I found out how to help myself.

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And I needed that because I don't know if I would still be

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here today. I learned a lot about anger, you know,

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through that is anger is a secondary emotion to understand. So,

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like, for me, my triggering is getting frustrated or belittled.

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So nothing's more frustrating. People having to clean up after yourself

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or belittled. So I was able to, you know, do well.

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I was discharged and then I had home health for

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a few weeks and then roughly six, three months, four months of outpatient

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where I had to relearn how to again stand,

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you know, walk, carry stuff, and then relax,

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type everything. So it was a. Yeah, still going,

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but I'm still trying. Yeah, yeah. That is quite a journey. And as you

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were talking, you kind of hit on it. But I'm thinking about how

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you're already in this space of life where you're so

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vulnerable and you're feeling so low. And to

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become physically dependent is in.

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Especially in that. In just like a moment, like an accident,

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I imagine, is one of the most vulnerable things that

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you can go through as a human. And so your

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state of mind while you're going through all of that, it just must have

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been very difficult to go through your new current circumstances.

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But life on the other side wasn't necessarily something you were looking forward

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to either, because you weren't in your best place in life. You were already

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going through it. So when you're starting the

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first processes of healing, what kind of takes center

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stage at that point in your mind? Is it. Is it that you're just focused

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on healing? Was that kind of everything pivoted to that or was

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there a larger, oh, my God, what is my life gonna look like now?

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Thought process happening? So there's.

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I mean, it's both. So in the trauma

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unit, there was no. We have Something now called Trauma Survivors Network. And I'm

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part of that. And we speak to trauma patients and it's a lot of support

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groups talking about that. It was not active when my trauma happened. You know,

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fortunately, my girlfriend, now my wife, she suffered a concussion, a head injury before.

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So she kind of recognized certain impulses that I was going through. And understanding

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this was a of it. It is a normal, if you whatever that

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can be from a head injury. When I was in the

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acute rehab facility, I, you know, felt zero

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value myself. Like, how could I do this? The hurt I caused my family.

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And I just wanted to get. Figure out how to get through it. I could

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figure it out. I can do it. And there was probably a lot more that

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I needed to accept. And I realized I needed to accept that I

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don't have control over anything. And I don't like being controlled for some

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reason. And not thing. You know, when you realize

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I say someone tell me the. Tell me a biggest secret, you know you can.

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I said, there's no such thing as control. There is none. It's. But I've realized

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it's our own actions of what we can control and how we do

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with those actions is. Is what helps us. And for

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me, there was a peer mentoring in the hospital. I can only go.

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I only went once. I was in a lot of discomfort. I don't

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call it pain, I call it discomfort. But I had. They had to take me

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out. But I heard a person speak and they were spe of.

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We had a brain aneurysm and it was left side and

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they woke up and not knowing what numbers were

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and not understanding. And they were a math professor. And I was like,

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why am I so selfish that I'm upset that I can't just calm down

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and relax? So hearing them speak even

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for five minutes, made me realize that, no, I can

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do this because I want to help others see that they're not alone.

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Because I felt alone in so many parts of my life.

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And a brain injury doesn't help not

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feeling alone. And I wanted to ensure that others knew that they had people

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there through their journey. I said that my trauma

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showed me that I wasn't invisible. And I thought I was forever,

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but I realized that I 100% was. And a lot of people saw

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me. And I've definitely been able to help quite a bit of people through that,

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which is how I chose to heal. Moving forward, just trying

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to figure out, how can I help someone? How can I help someone? Because in

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turn, it helps me as well. Because it allows me to see where

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I am then versus where I was.

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And I'll tell patients sometimes, you know, no matter how frustrating it

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is, you look down, you can't use your hand, you can't walk, it can't do

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this. But we always forget to look behind us at how far we've come.

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And that's something that is, I sometimes try to reflect about

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in the moment, you know, so depressions, I believe, is in the

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past. Anxiety is our future. They say joy lives in the present now. I don't

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listen to my own stuff. I speak. I mean, I'm very anxious about a lot,

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sure. But I try to remember what's

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around me. And then when I take an active role in helping support

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others through, you know, music,

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games, just in the, you know, hospital, it allows me

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to see more, more and more of my healing path and my journey,

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where I've been. Yeah, that's amazing.

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I think it's really interesting to talk

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about this because one of the things that I keep thinking about

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is that people don't talk about brain injuries often. And so

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there's so much unknown to, I feel like

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the general public about what that means. I mean, you hear brain injury and you're

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go, you go, oh, wow, that's, that's, that's bad or that's hard.

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But what day to day life looks like, what healing looks

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like, what practicalities there are that comes with it.

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And so I'm sitting here thinking about how

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lonely it must feel to be walking through that without a

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support network. And on top of that, you're talking

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about the fact that you're already a full person before this

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with full, a life full of experiences. And so you're bringing that too.

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And so all of that other stuff doesn't go away just because you have an

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injury. Right. And so it's all compounding as well. But specifically

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about brain injury, what do

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you think are like the biggest misconceptions people have about

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brain injury? That people are slow,

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that they are mentally handicapped, or that

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they don't understand what others are going through. They don't have empathy, they don't

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have, you know, certain emotional regulation. So again, every injury is

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different. So there's a person I care about and she's another

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mentor. She actually was at my wedding and I didn't know her

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until after my injury, but she had a closed head injury in 82

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and in coma for six months and had. But so

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when she speaks, you can. It's very soft or it's,

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it's harder for her to speak. But I understand it and

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I take the time to listen. And that's something

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that is very hard because a brain, Someone with an injury,

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they want to feel that they are worthy

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of someone else and worth their time and their. The effort they're putting into healing.

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So having a brain injury, working with other brain injury survivors,

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I know that if I look at them directly, you know, eye contact to

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make sure I'm focusing on them, they can communicate with me. It also shows them

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the respect and the dignity of saying, like,

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I'm trying to be here with you on your level. And that's,

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I think, the hardest part people will do is we want to

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make quick judgments, quick assumptions of it. But there's a

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lot of things that go on in our own stories. Like you said, there was

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a story, you know, everything didn't happen. Just you woke up that morning and that's

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what your day was, or so your life. I mean, so people have struggles.

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People go through stuff on your day to day. So I think that my

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brain injury allowed me to be more vocal and

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open to understand that, you know, like I said, we all have. We all

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have empathy. We all can have empathy. We do have that ability. And one of

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the things I learned was, you know, in the pandemic was probably the first time

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everyone in the globe was going through something at once. And that

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is tragic and crazy, but one thing we can do is we can now show

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empathy for them. And as a trauma survivor, as a rehabilitation,

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you know, working through it, one thing that I say that we have

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a lot of power over is helping people beat isolation,

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because we understand what it's like to feel the walls closing into feeling

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like you're lost. So we have the ability to help

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challenge that narrative. Yeah, yeah. I think isolation

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is huge, right? I mean, in any. In any thing that

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people are suffering with, isolation is a huge side

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effect and can become a huge symptom of what you're

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suffering with. That only makes it worse. And to you, in the moment,

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it feels like it feels necessary,

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right? It feels. It could feel like you

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have no other choice. It could also feel like it's

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too overwhelming to be out of isolation.

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But I think enough has been looked

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into about humanity to say that that isolation is never

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going to flourish or have us flourish as people.

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So I think that's a huge, huge thing that we always have to

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be aware of when anybody in our lives is going through something is,

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are they isol? And how can I show up

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for them so that they don't feel so alone. Yeah.

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I think that again, I've learned a lot through. I always say

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I give the Cliff Notes version of therapy. 16 years of therapy. I'm pretty good

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at it. But, you know, I learned a lot about loss

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and grief through it. Actually, before I lost my champ,

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my first dog, I mean, he was, he was there for everything with me.

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He was there my first marriage, my separation,

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my, my, My trauma. And then, you know,

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I lost. When I lost him, I thought I was, you know, it was crushed.

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I was so hard. But I. I learned from another, actually a

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therapist, a pet loss therapist, that, you know, his grief is

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an urn that was in my table and it's this big

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and it looks so big, but the world's getting bigger

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around it. But the grief never changes. So all those changes in

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life or a grief of that moment, and if I really talk

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about. I really focus on the negative things, it becomes a bigger thing than it

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is. Like, truthfully, if I start talking about my pain or what, that's when I

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was call it pain. If I start saying things, my body will start feeling it

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more. Yeah. So I always say I have it in a corner. I respect where

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it is. And if things start changing, I know that I'm.

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I know I need to change how I'm doing. And just so again,

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it's that beating isolation, being afraid of what

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was there or what you could have been instead of trying to just

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see the world around us. That's why I kind of came up with the name

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of saying gift of perspective. I saw people very well for

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who they were. And I tried. It was very, you know, trying to be kind

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and seeing them. But my trauma, my brain injury took

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all the blinders off. So I see everything around me. So that's how I can

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see where people are. I can see what people. And I find little

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ways to help. Help make their lives a little bit better or at

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least be willing to be part of that journey.

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I saw something once where sympathy is when you're

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caring for someone and you're standing over them. But empathy is when you're caring with

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someone, but you're standing with them. And I always try to make sure that people

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know that I am there with them. I can't take it away. But through

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those journeys, I will be there and standing with you through that.

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And I will always do that. I mean, there's a co

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worker of mine and they were really sick and like. Did you mean you would

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help me with financial. Yeah, and I was there. I'm I'm that I'm

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that old reliable. I'm a, you know, pain in the butt for so many different

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things, but I am definitely honest. And I try

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to always remember to look at myself in the mirror at the end of the

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day, and do I like what I see? Do I like what I did?

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Do I like how I left that? Because, you know, every day

334
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could be different, and every day. So I always want to make sure that I.

335
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I'm gonna be okay because I did the best what I could do. Yeah.

336
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Yeah. I think we're very intimidated sometimes by

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the idea of helping people because we're so obsessed with resolution

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and fixing. And I imagine something like having a brain

339
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injury kind of puts that into perspective that you really.

340
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You don't have, as you said, control. And so to

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help someone isn't to fix them, it's to stand with them.

342
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Yeah. So I like that. I learned that help is a gift

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we freely give, and it's something that we can do, and it makes

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me feel better, too, and just thanking someone. And so

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I remember being out of the hospital. I remember getting my coffee,

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but I was in a wheelchair and wheeling myself up,

347
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and this person just doesn't even hold the door for me. I was like,

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oh, thanks. And I was angry. But there was another person in line that

349
00:22:49,260 --> 00:22:53,300
immediately came out to help hold it. A nice thing, because no matter

350
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if we focus on all the bad, we will be overwhelmed by it.

351
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What I would say in the hospital was, if I don't give

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negative breath, it doesn't live. So trying not to focus on

353
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that means I'm the one that can do it. And it's what I

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tell people. Just be your own narrator. Tell your own story. Because people

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can't take it away from you if you stand in front of it and say

356
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it. I said that to patients. I just say anything. So,

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again, one of the reasons why I help with my isolation, with my brain injury

358
00:23:24,550 --> 00:23:28,250
is standing in front of it and speaking about it to

359
00:23:28,570 --> 00:23:32,250
making my own. My own strength, my own recovery. Because these

360
00:23:32,750 --> 00:23:36,570
are my decisions that not someone else. For me, these were my decisions through it.

361
00:23:37,070 --> 00:23:40,650
Yeah. Yeah. It's so important. I mean, I imagine

362
00:23:41,150 --> 00:23:45,090
it's something that is a constant journey. Right. Because any work on

363
00:23:45,590 --> 00:23:49,290
ourselves is a constant journey. But in terms of your healing,

364
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when did it start to shift for you that it wasn't,

365
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like, your sole focus? Because now you're in advocacy,

366
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right? You're in advocacy. You're doing, you're helping. And I'm

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00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:05,780
sure you're still Healing, because we all are. But when did

368
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that kind of shift for you that you could say,

369
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maybe I can be part of the solution here to help other people?

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It happened in end of the year in 2016. I mean,

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I was just grateful to be able to start speaking to

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patients and help them out. And I couldn't. I wasn't walking yet

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in August very well. I had a walker, but it was tough. And I always

374
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say, like, I remember when I could start walking again, July 15,

375
00:24:32,992 --> 00:24:36,280
2016. And they said, you can. And I laughed. She's like,

376
00:24:36,780 --> 00:24:38,360
you're not going to be on a cane. You'll be in a walk. And I

377
00:24:38,860 --> 00:24:41,680
laughed. Yeah, I'm going to walk her out of here. And that was the hardest

378
00:24:42,180 --> 00:24:45,560
steps I ever took. Just learning how to walk again. Everything could

379
00:24:46,060 --> 00:24:50,070
work fine, but everything gets erased. You're like, you don't use your legs for 12

380
00:24:50,570 --> 00:24:53,950
weeks. It's hard to make sure your body realizes, hey, you got to put

381
00:24:54,450 --> 00:24:58,150
one foot in front of the other. But I saw the power that others

382
00:24:58,710 --> 00:25:01,990
had, you know, over just speaking in a room of

383
00:25:02,490 --> 00:25:05,390
patients and speaking of someone to give them that hope.

384
00:25:05,890 --> 00:25:09,350
Because again, we only see ourselves in the current moment. We don't see ourselves where

385
00:25:09,850 --> 00:25:12,870
they are. And I couldn't really walk in on my birthday, so I wanted to

386
00:25:13,370 --> 00:25:17,190
have a birthday party. It was in October and there's a park in

387
00:25:17,690 --> 00:25:20,920
here and I have the celebration. And so when we do

388
00:25:21,420 --> 00:25:24,080
mentoring, they want you to do like a 10 minute mentoring, you know, talk about

389
00:25:24,580 --> 00:25:27,080
your journey. So I had to write the. I did this thing and I wanted

390
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to speak about it and celebrate it. So I wanted my girlfriend to record it.

391
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And she's like, why do you want to record it? I was like, well,

392
00:25:34,459 --> 00:25:38,120
your family came up from Florida. This therapist now live in there. So I

393
00:25:38,620 --> 00:25:42,920
invited my hospital therapist here, I invited friends, and I gave this mentoring

394
00:25:43,420 --> 00:25:47,120
speech. And again, my physical therapists were there and I said everybody's favorite things

395
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now, like we're, you know, doing balance and lunging exercises.

396
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And that's where I proposed. So I say that

397
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because, you know, I wanted to make sure that my

398
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:04,360
healing was. It wasn't just for me. It was for my tribe that

399
00:26:04,860 --> 00:26:08,520
I had around me. And I saw that just being able to

400
00:26:09,020 --> 00:26:13,040
speak to someone can really help change that trajectory. Hearing someone talk for

401
00:26:13,540 --> 00:26:17,080
five minutes. So for me, my healing was. That was

402
00:26:17,580 --> 00:26:20,480
my path forward. And. And I remember a patient one time said to me,

403
00:26:20,980 --> 00:26:24,000
he's like, when did you come 100%. And that was like one of the hardest

404
00:26:24,500 --> 00:26:27,840
like, it felt like a slap, like a hundred percent. I'm not. Like,

405
00:26:28,340 --> 00:26:30,280
I still don't. I mean, now to this day, I don't have full feeling in

406
00:26:30,780 --> 00:26:33,120
my hand. Sometimes if I do too much, my eye will drift, blah, blah,

407
00:26:33,620 --> 00:26:37,240
blah. But I am beyond 100 because I

408
00:26:37,740 --> 00:26:41,800
know ways I can help others. So it has given me a better path

409
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:46,000
forward with it. So I can take whatever's wrong with me

410
00:26:46,500 --> 00:26:49,980
and sometimes just I know where it is, I'll put it there. But me helping

411
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:52,860
others has helped show me how far I've come.

412
00:26:53,580 --> 00:26:57,100
So being an advocate, I was always nice, I was always kind to people,

413
00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:00,700
always wanted to help them. But becoming an advocate was very.

414
00:27:01,420 --> 00:27:04,620
It was a very easy transition just because

415
00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:08,300
of. I knew what it was like to feel lost and alone. I didn't want

416
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:12,900
others to do that. So my fear of the unknown, my fear

417
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:17,080
of the dark made sure that I kept pushing forward

418
00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:20,480
to advocate for others, help others, show them that

419
00:27:20,980 --> 00:27:25,240
there's someone on their path, no matter where they are. And finding inspiration

420
00:27:25,740 --> 00:27:29,120
in all different ways and thanking an artist, thanking a musician,

421
00:27:29,620 --> 00:27:33,160
thanking a writer about what they're doing can really help change their

422
00:27:33,660 --> 00:27:37,240
trajectory. Maybe they are doing the right things and they're doing something that'll help others

423
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:41,400
because it feels good to tell someone, have a good

424
00:27:41,900 --> 00:27:44,200
day. It feels good to hold the door of someone and have them thank you.

425
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:47,550
Hearing that is really gratifying.

426
00:27:48,100 --> 00:27:51,380
So I make sure that I can do that as much as

427
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:56,380
I can to ensure that there was a reason why I

428
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:59,940
made it. There's a reason why I push hard is because I was able to

429
00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:03,819
help that person out. I would say if I help one person, I guess it

430
00:28:04,319 --> 00:28:07,700
was worth it. And I know I've helped thousands of people again

431
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:11,740
almost 10 years, and I'm still trying to do

432
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:15,940
things to keep pushing myself. And three years ago, we went to

433
00:28:16,260 --> 00:28:19,380
Congress, spoke to different representatives about the importance of having.

434
00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:23,560
I was actually one of the state representatives we saw was Delaware

435
00:28:24,060 --> 00:28:28,120
county, actually, because we went up because we had other people, other trauma survivors that

436
00:28:28,620 --> 00:28:32,480
were in the area, and that's where we spoke. But I mean, this year my.

437
00:28:32,980 --> 00:28:36,600
My plan is that I'm going to go to Virginia. I'm already talking to my

438
00:28:37,100 --> 00:28:40,080
state House of Delegate representative. I want to try to work on some of the

439
00:28:40,580 --> 00:28:43,920
mental health barriers we have in Virginia and others and help bring awareness to

440
00:28:44,420 --> 00:28:47,780
it. So, I mean, hell, I got a. I did a little

441
00:28:47,860 --> 00:28:52,020
simple link tree of all my different podcasts or different advocacy

442
00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:56,180
work of just where it is to give People that again, that chance to help

443
00:28:56,580 --> 00:28:59,380
support others. And that's what matters. Yeah,

444
00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:03,340
absolutely. Especially now, as hard as the world is, and it's

445
00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:07,100
definitely hard and it's hard not

446
00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:11,780
to get caught up in it, but I try to. Having a

447
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:15,700
platform like this, speaking with yourself, many others, and just

448
00:29:15,940 --> 00:29:19,850
connecting with people, we don't know how, how much it helps

449
00:29:20,350 --> 00:29:24,170
until you know someone. I could say something and people will hold on

450
00:29:24,670 --> 00:29:28,170
to it. So that's pretty neat to be able to have

451
00:29:28,670 --> 00:29:32,170
a power to help others that you'll never see. But it's very good

452
00:29:32,670 --> 00:29:36,690
that maybe something that I said or did will help them on

453
00:29:37,190 --> 00:29:39,210
their journey. Yeah, absolutely.

454
00:29:40,650 --> 00:29:44,780
How did you practically actually get started with

455
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:48,860
your advocacy? Like what was the first thing that you did?

456
00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:53,020
You mentioned the trauma network that

457
00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:56,340
wasn't really active when you were going through your trauma,

458
00:29:56,840 --> 00:30:00,620
but now it's a lot more active. So how did you kind of

459
00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:04,700
start to get involved and how did you build

460
00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:09,140
from there? Because I know you're doing some different things than most

461
00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:13,620
people. I didn't. I always wanted to build a better boat

462
00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:17,740
and do things better. So trauma survivors wasn't active when I was there

463
00:30:18,240 --> 00:30:21,740
and I found them on chance because it's a rehab hospital.

464
00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:25,540
There was a little yearly event and there was someone from trauma survivors and

465
00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:29,340
I spoke to her about it and wanted to learn more. And then I went

466
00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:33,660
into the hospital and met, you know, and that's was a support group.

467
00:30:33,740 --> 00:30:37,200
And through that I could see how

468
00:30:37,700 --> 00:30:41,480
good it would be to help others through those traumatic events where they feel that

469
00:30:41,980 --> 00:30:45,800
there is no hope. So I was able to work

470
00:30:46,300 --> 00:30:50,000
with them, work at the hospital network and different trainings to be able to speak

471
00:30:50,500 --> 00:30:55,120
to patients and speak to the families about recovery

472
00:30:55,620 --> 00:30:59,360
and about the journey and help answer any questions and help being on their team

473
00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:03,240
for it. And it was through trauma survivors where I was able

474
00:31:03,740 --> 00:31:07,600
to again go with a National Trauma

475
00:31:08,100 --> 00:31:12,880
Surgeons association and lobby Congress. That's where I

476
00:31:13,380 --> 00:31:16,600
was able to always keep asking questions. And March is actually,

477
00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:20,359
I don't know if I might have said before, is Brain Injury Awareness Month.

478
00:31:20,859 --> 00:31:24,040
Oh, okay. So I would say I got a double jeopardy. March 15, the ides

479
00:31:24,540 --> 00:31:28,440
of March on Brain Injury Awareness Month. So I did two big checkboxes,

480
00:31:28,940 --> 00:31:32,480
but again, I have different type of advocacy and I don't know if you may

481
00:31:32,980 --> 00:31:36,100
or may not know Emilia Clarke from Game of Thrones. Uh huh.

482
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:39,740
Yes. Did you know she suffered a brain aneurysm? Correct? I did not know that.

483
00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:44,100
Yeah. In 2011. Yeah. She was only, I think 2223. She ended

484
00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:48,580
up having two others and I mean had multiple brain surgeries, everything else. And she

485
00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:52,340
started a foundation called SameYou.org because again,

486
00:31:52,740 --> 00:31:55,660
very fortunate how well she healed, how she tried me, she had to learn how

487
00:31:56,160 --> 00:32:00,020
to speak. I mean there's so many different. Again, every injury is different. But she

488
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:04,140
started a foundation, SameYou.org and I, again, through my advocacy,

489
00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:08,200
I reached out to them and, and I share my story and they really liked

490
00:32:08,700 --> 00:32:11,000
it. So they featured me on one of their, I mean this is an international

491
00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:14,840
organization and they featured me as an advocate

492
00:32:15,340 --> 00:32:19,360
and through them and their work with their United Kingdoms

493
00:32:19,860 --> 00:32:23,200
based company in London, I worked with University of Binghamton and did a

494
00:32:23,700 --> 00:32:27,320
study on couples and brain injury, how it affects couples.

495
00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:30,680
So I've done studies with them. I've talked to different, I've talked

496
00:32:31,180 --> 00:32:34,240
to someone at Harvard and other different medical studies about brain

497
00:32:34,740 --> 00:32:38,710
injury, trauma or recovery through it. So I

498
00:32:39,210 --> 00:32:42,790
don't know what started it, but I just know. So as

499
00:32:43,290 --> 00:32:46,670
I say, just always do the next right thing. And I

500
00:32:47,170 --> 00:32:50,630
keep pushing. I used to have like every year on the trauma versary, as I

501
00:32:51,130 --> 00:32:54,350
call it. I used to always kind of do like an apology tour. Oh,

502
00:32:54,850 --> 00:32:57,670
I'm so sorry to this. I, you know, I, I did a lot of inflection

503
00:32:58,170 --> 00:33:02,030
on all the stuff that I maybe caused the pain in others and not deserving

504
00:33:02,530 --> 00:33:06,600
of their help. Help. So now every year that I

505
00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:10,400
get another traumaversary, I now say

506
00:33:10,900 --> 00:33:14,760
what I've did since the last year. Here's what I've done. From Congress

507
00:33:15,260 --> 00:33:19,600
to podcast to meeting interviewing musicians and comic

508
00:33:20,100 --> 00:33:23,480
book writers, whatever the case may be, here's what I've been able to do to

509
00:33:23,980 --> 00:33:27,400
keep pushing the envelope forward. And in

510
00:33:27,900 --> 00:33:30,790
10 years, I've lived more than two lifetimes just.

511
00:33:31,580 --> 00:33:35,220
And I'm not, I'm not slowing down. I'm too much of a pain.

512
00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:39,660
I mean, I'm too stubborn to slow down. So I'm going to keep pushing

513
00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:43,660
forward because I'd never want people to feel alone or lost. I mean, I was

514
00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:47,780
very fortunate my trauma happened. I had great insurance. Now insurance

515
00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:51,020
is, it's, it's insurance, let's just say.

516
00:33:51,740 --> 00:33:55,220
So I do a lot now to help make sure that people don't have

517
00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:59,280
that struggle. In the year of my trauma, I think I spent $14,000 on my

518
00:33:59,780 --> 00:34:03,640
trauma. Wow. Yeah. But in 2019, I spent 29,000.

519
00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:07,960
And that was because of a different healthcare company and they

520
00:34:08,460 --> 00:34:11,560
weren't covering my therapy and stuff like that. And I was like,

521
00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:15,400
I said, well, we have other Therapists. And I always say, you're exactly right.

522
00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:18,800
Let me send a different babysitter to your house tomorrow. I'll get a different dog

523
00:34:19,300 --> 00:34:21,480
sitter, no problem. And they look at me. I was like, but you don't need.

524
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:24,949
It's not a network. So I don't really care. And they're like, like. And I

525
00:34:25,449 --> 00:34:29,229
was like, when someone has a brain injury or an injury or any

526
00:34:29,729 --> 00:34:33,109
life trauma, that is hard to build that relationship.

527
00:34:33,509 --> 00:34:36,549
And I didn't say this, and I don't really say this much. So again,

528
00:34:37,049 --> 00:34:40,348
I was going through therapy, you know, again, my previous relationship.

529
00:34:40,848 --> 00:34:43,429
How do I help? How do I help myself? I learned how to help myself.

530
00:34:43,829 --> 00:34:47,309
I didn't see my therapist for about a month because I was obviously in the

531
00:34:47,809 --> 00:34:50,989
hospital. I came out, I was still like, no, no hair in my

532
00:34:51,489 --> 00:34:55,269
head, all the stitches, and I was in a wheelchair. And I saw her literally

533
00:34:55,769 --> 00:34:59,429
the next week she had a heart attack and had to stop counseling.

534
00:35:00,069 --> 00:35:03,669
So you had the biggest safety net I thought I could have

535
00:35:04,169 --> 00:35:07,949
through this, pulled out from under me. And I felt lost and I felt unknown.

536
00:35:08,449 --> 00:35:12,469
But I knew that this was very critical to mine. And I

537
00:35:12,969 --> 00:35:16,589
went to, I think Psychology Today, went to the website, put in all

538
00:35:17,089 --> 00:35:20,909
the names. Here's what I want to do. I learned something called cognitive behavioral therapy

539
00:35:21,409 --> 00:35:24,669
is what I utilized, what she, her technique was. So I used that as

540
00:35:25,169 --> 00:35:28,260
a keyword and, and reached out to five people. Three of them didn't

541
00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:31,780
respond. One of them says, I guess two of them didn't respond. Two of them

542
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:35,820
said, they, they're not seeing anybody next to patients. And one said,

543
00:35:35,980 --> 00:35:39,460
I can see you, but I only see during daytime hours, you know,

544
00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:43,820
nine to five. And I said, you know, this is

545
00:35:43,900 --> 00:35:47,500
the most important thing I can do is this is important for me to heal.

546
00:35:47,740 --> 00:35:50,860
And I'm so it was in July of 2016

547
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:54,890
and I'm still, I'm still seeing her today. And even

548
00:35:55,390 --> 00:35:58,850
if it's not a cover insurance that. But I know that it's a safe space

549
00:35:58,930 --> 00:36:02,250
for me to challenge myself. And she will help

550
00:36:02,750 --> 00:36:05,730
me challenge myself and she will hold me accountable.

551
00:36:06,370 --> 00:36:10,130
And I think that is one of the biggest misconceptions about

552
00:36:10,630 --> 00:36:13,490
therapy. It's not just a bitch fest, not supposed to be there and just say

553
00:36:13,990 --> 00:36:15,930
how bad the world is and that the world is going to be bad.

554
00:36:16,430 --> 00:36:18,530
I always say life is a four letter word, depends on how you want to

555
00:36:19,030 --> 00:36:22,710
use it, no matter what, what. So. But what my therapist

556
00:36:23,210 --> 00:36:26,750
does and what I choose to do is challenge myself to make it

557
00:36:27,250 --> 00:36:30,590
a little Bit better try to. What did I not do right? What could

558
00:36:31,090 --> 00:36:34,150
I do better? And I always try to look at myself in the third person.

559
00:36:34,650 --> 00:36:37,710
I say, sometimes I want to see how did I handle the situation? How did

560
00:36:38,210 --> 00:36:41,750
I react to that? Was that the appropriate? So it's a lot of stuff always

561
00:36:42,250 --> 00:36:46,190
going on in my mind. But through therapy, through her and

562
00:36:46,690 --> 00:36:50,160
through the work I did, I understood that anger is

563
00:36:50,660 --> 00:36:54,200
a loud emotion, but it is, there's. There's a reason why you're angry.

564
00:36:54,700 --> 00:36:58,320
And there is. It is okay to be that. It is okay to know that

565
00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:02,960
you're not helpless or that you are healing and that the

566
00:37:03,460 --> 00:37:06,640
world is. I always say the world doesn't care about us.

567
00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:10,880
We have to make it care about us. And the more we understand

568
00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:15,010
that and, you know, put our best foot forward, the there

569
00:37:15,510 --> 00:37:18,890
is no thing is easy. It'll help us make our own story.

570
00:37:18,970 --> 00:37:22,570
And that's again, it's what I've done with therapy through

571
00:37:23,070 --> 00:37:25,810
the years of it. I speak about it because I don't want people to have

572
00:37:26,310 --> 00:37:29,450
that financial gap and that financial issues to see,

573
00:37:29,530 --> 00:37:33,090
seek help. I mean, we have all this horrible violence or everything else

574
00:37:33,590 --> 00:37:36,850
going on, which we could talk for ten hours on, but. And they always say

575
00:37:37,350 --> 00:37:39,570
it's mental health, mental health thing. I said, you're right. Then how are we going

576
00:37:40,070 --> 00:37:43,060
to fix it? I have many ways that we can do it, but we can't

577
00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:46,860
stigmatize men going to therapy. I mean, men are only

578
00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:51,300
allowed one emotion, anger. And women are allowed no emotion or

579
00:37:51,540 --> 00:37:54,940
all emotions but anger. It's all bs. We're all allowed all

580
00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:59,460
the same. And understanding how to deconstruct it is the important thing. And understanding

581
00:37:59,960 --> 00:38:03,260
that you are not right all the time and understand that you

582
00:38:03,760 --> 00:38:06,040
can make mistakes because we're people, we are flawless.

583
00:38:06,830 --> 00:38:10,270
But being flawed doesn't mean you're bad. It just means you're human.

584
00:38:10,830 --> 00:38:14,070
And understanding those flaws and being able to grow from them

585
00:38:14,570 --> 00:38:18,030
is what makes someone. That's what makes someone strong,

586
00:38:18,530 --> 00:38:21,670
is being able to take those vulnerabilities and say, how do I want to make

587
00:38:22,170 --> 00:38:24,670
it better? How can I do this better?

588
00:38:24,910 --> 00:38:28,510
And male traumatic brain injury survivors are twice as

589
00:38:29,010 --> 00:38:32,360
likely to die by suicide than regular male. I mean,

590
00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:35,880
it's an epidemic now. Basically, all the white

591
00:38:36,380 --> 00:38:39,840
male suicides that are there and traumatic brain injuries are twice

592
00:38:40,340 --> 00:38:43,640
as likely because you get stuck in your own head. And I've spoken

593
00:38:44,140 --> 00:38:48,200
to many soldier, former survivors,

594
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:52,840
veterans, whatever, and I understand when they say

595
00:38:53,340 --> 00:38:57,200
something about their brain injury and how scary it is. And so

596
00:38:57,700 --> 00:39:01,780
me Being able to help stand up to show that they're not alone and is

597
00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:06,100
really powerful. And that is always healing to me, because no matter how

598
00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:10,780
hard, no matter how hard it feels, I know what feels great

599
00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:14,860
is being able to stand next to someone and say, I'm here

600
00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:19,300
for you. Yeah. Yeah. I can only imagine what

601
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:23,260
the, what the numbers are on that. But how

602
00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:28,340
do you begin to destigmatize therapy?

603
00:39:28,840 --> 00:39:32,420
Because I feel like in 2026, I cannot believe that it's still

604
00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:36,080
such a problem that, that people have.

605
00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:38,560
That people have with therapy in general.

606
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:43,280
Destigmatize it. Well, I do it by speaking about

607
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:46,720
my own journey all the time because I find the more I.

608
00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:51,240
So when we. Brene Brown said, if you can't

609
00:39:51,740 --> 00:39:55,320
be vulnerable, you can't be courageous. So that's why I speak

610
00:39:55,820 --> 00:39:59,160
so much about my journey with therapy, my journey with my

611
00:39:59,660 --> 00:40:03,810
mental health state, because I want others to see that they are not

612
00:40:04,310 --> 00:40:07,410
alone in it. And we speak about. Especially when I speak about trauma. I mean,

613
00:40:07,910 --> 00:40:11,050
trauma is the number one cause of death between 1 and 45.

614
00:40:11,690 --> 00:40:14,770
Technically, guns are 1 in 17, but we're not

615
00:40:15,270 --> 00:40:16,409
going to say that. But it's still trauma.

616
00:40:18,170 --> 00:40:21,850
But, you know, so it happens to a lot of people. So when I speak

617
00:40:22,350 --> 00:40:25,290
about my trauma, people will come up to me and say how it might have

618
00:40:25,790 --> 00:40:30,870
affected them. And when I speak about my struggles with my

619
00:40:31,590 --> 00:40:34,750
reasons to, you know, when, when things suck or

620
00:40:35,250 --> 00:40:38,510
when reason, you know, when I can speak about my vulnerabilities

621
00:40:39,010 --> 00:40:42,630
and my fears, it shows others that, you know, they're safe

622
00:40:42,870 --> 00:40:46,710
to speak to me. It's not even my HIPAA training anything else.

623
00:40:46,950 --> 00:40:50,870
I will always be there for someone. And I, I've spoken to many patients

624
00:40:51,370 --> 00:40:54,470
and many survivors of all sorts of, of walks of life,

625
00:40:55,270 --> 00:40:59,070
and I know we're all in this together. And when I

626
00:40:59,570 --> 00:41:02,790
can speak to someone about the struggles and how

627
00:41:03,290 --> 00:41:06,950
hard therapy was for me, therapy was very hard. If it's not hard,

628
00:41:07,350 --> 00:41:10,230
probably not doing it right. Yep. It's. I mean,

629
00:41:10,790 --> 00:41:14,230
it only took how long to get where we are now, and, you know,

630
00:41:14,730 --> 00:41:17,910
it's like, it was. It was pretty funny. I, I heard a comedian of the

631
00:41:18,410 --> 00:41:21,720
day and they said, you know, my parents saved for therapy. I have a,

632
00:41:22,220 --> 00:41:24,360
I have a, you know, you don't break. You break it, you buy it policy

633
00:41:24,860 --> 00:41:28,200
with them. I like that.

634
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:31,920
But it's, you know, it's, it's part

635
00:41:32,420 --> 00:41:35,080
of the. It's. It's part of what made us, you know, who we are.

636
00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:38,720
And it's not fun, but A lot of things in life aren't

637
00:41:39,220 --> 00:41:43,320
fun. Yeah. But understanding that you're not omnipotent,

638
00:41:43,820 --> 00:41:47,320
you're not, you have flaws. I think that's a different type of person though,

639
00:41:47,820 --> 00:41:51,580
to understand that they are not, not perfect. You know,

640
00:41:51,820 --> 00:41:55,020
perfect is the enemy of good. So sometimes they

641
00:41:55,520 --> 00:41:59,140
think they are perfect, but they're not. And I think that that's the

642
00:41:59,640 --> 00:42:04,020
harder one to try to get people to understand that they can

643
00:42:04,520 --> 00:42:07,900
do better. And being better is not

644
00:42:08,700 --> 00:42:12,140
being wrong is not a problem. It's just being wrong.

645
00:42:12,380 --> 00:42:14,380
Yeah. It's just having a struggle.

646
00:42:15,350 --> 00:42:18,950
That's it. And unfortunately, humankind,

647
00:42:19,450 --> 00:42:22,910
mankind would not grow if it wasn't for struggles. That's why

648
00:42:23,410 --> 00:42:26,110
we got out of the caves. That's why we did it. Because we had the

649
00:42:26,610 --> 00:42:30,230
struggles there and we've had to grow. So the more

650
00:42:30,310 --> 00:42:33,750
we put ourselves in the uncomfortable, the stronger we can come

651
00:42:34,250 --> 00:42:37,350
toward it. I am a fail first person. I will

652
00:42:37,850 --> 00:42:39,430
just do it. I always say I'm going to fail anyhow. I might as well

653
00:42:39,930 --> 00:42:42,620
do it. It's funny because we were talking about the. They say it's like,

654
00:42:43,120 --> 00:42:45,820
well, you're always going to fail if you can't make a mistake. I was like,

655
00:42:46,320 --> 00:42:48,780
that's a perfect way of saying what I am. You're right, I can never make

656
00:42:49,280 --> 00:42:52,380
a mistake, but I'm always going to fail. But when you go

657
00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:55,780
through kind of that mentality of, you know, when.

658
00:42:56,280 --> 00:42:59,060
What's the worst going to happen? You're going to try it and, you know,

659
00:42:59,300 --> 00:43:02,660
having that. The blemishes on my, you know,

660
00:43:02,740 --> 00:43:05,860
you know, from my life, we're just part of my story.

661
00:43:06,580 --> 00:43:09,860
It didn't. I always say my, my trauma didn't end in a period.

662
00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:13,880
It's just a. It's a. It's a comma. It's semicolon. What? It's just part

663
00:43:14,380 --> 00:43:18,320
of our story. So that crappy day that you had when you're in a fight

664
00:43:18,820 --> 00:43:22,240
with someone that didn't actually. That's not the end of your story. You can

665
00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:25,840
take those little parts of your chapter and write

666
00:43:26,340 --> 00:43:30,080
it yourself or rewrite where you need to be. When you start going

667
00:43:30,580 --> 00:43:34,120
and reflecting back, that's where I was. And when

668
00:43:34,620 --> 00:43:37,960
I was talking to the singer of the band Kuna Coyle about it,

669
00:43:38,460 --> 00:43:42,160
they had a new album, it was 20 years later, their comedies xx and

670
00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:45,790
she was saying like, you know, people don't

671
00:43:46,290 --> 00:43:48,710
understand. They're not the same person they were 20 years ago.

672
00:43:49,430 --> 00:43:53,390
I mean, they are the same in many ways, but the experiences

673
00:43:53,890 --> 00:43:56,910
are different than they are now. And I said, what a perfect analogy

674
00:43:57,410 --> 00:44:01,590
for my trauma because I am the same

675
00:44:02,090 --> 00:44:04,950
person, but I'm also a different person because of it.

676
00:44:05,030 --> 00:44:08,230
Yeah. And that's not a bad thing. I mean, it's a

677
00:44:08,730 --> 00:44:12,030
very. I would say it's a very, very expensive thing sometimes.

678
00:44:12,530 --> 00:44:16,340
And I always say that it's a. The, the terrible initiation fee

679
00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:20,260
to get in my club was. But it's a family I would never want to

680
00:44:20,760 --> 00:44:24,060
lose because they have been through it with me. And when they're struggling,

681
00:44:24,560 --> 00:44:27,620
I will accept and be there with them. And just like when I struggle,

682
00:44:28,120 --> 00:44:32,340
they will come there too. But, you know, my talk

683
00:44:32,840 --> 00:44:36,540
about therapy, my talk about my struggles as adult

684
00:44:37,040 --> 00:44:40,670
male, whatever, you know, my. Whatever you want the case may be, has actually

685
00:44:41,170 --> 00:44:45,350
led others to see and reach out to me about how important

686
00:44:45,850 --> 00:44:50,910
it is. Again, interviewing someone international and really

687
00:44:51,410 --> 00:44:55,070
famous and really popular. And people listening to that

688
00:44:55,570 --> 00:44:59,150
reached out to me over in Europe or Australia telling me how trauma

689
00:44:59,650 --> 00:45:02,870
affected them or how they did. And that's kind of crazy and cool

690
00:45:03,370 --> 00:45:06,750
when you've been able to find a way to connect to others and then again

691
00:45:07,250 --> 00:45:11,470
expand more and more. Yeah, I mean, I have to imagine it's really encouraging

692
00:45:11,630 --> 00:45:15,270
to. Because you don't always see the effect that you have. Right?

693
00:45:15,770 --> 00:45:19,350
I mean, I would say most of the time you don't, but that doesn't mean

694
00:45:19,850 --> 00:45:23,870
that you're not having the effect. So when you can see the results

695
00:45:24,350 --> 00:45:28,190
of something like that, it must just be really affirming

696
00:45:28,690 --> 00:45:32,550
and rewarding to be able to have that. So I

697
00:45:33,050 --> 00:45:36,480
know that you use gaming as part of a

698
00:45:36,980 --> 00:45:40,760
healing process. This is so out of my wheelhouse,

699
00:45:41,260 --> 00:45:44,880
but I'm very curious as to how that came about and what

700
00:45:45,380 --> 00:45:48,880
you actually do to. To help people through gaming.

701
00:45:49,520 --> 00:45:52,560
Well, I would say my nerd street cred's really high,

702
00:45:53,840 --> 00:45:56,320
as you can see. I mean, I'm definitely. I love it.

703
00:45:57,120 --> 00:46:00,480
Nerd at heart. So I. Gaming was very important.

704
00:46:00,980 --> 00:46:04,160
You know, I play one of the, you know, everybody knows. Everybody knows D and

705
00:46:04,660 --> 00:46:07,280
D and stuff. Now I play their biggest competitor for years. Everybody knows it because

706
00:46:07,780 --> 00:46:11,120
of, you know, critical role, popular stuff, you know, stranger things all of a sudden.

707
00:46:11,620 --> 00:46:14,520
It's always been there guys, but you used to make fun of me or chase

708
00:46:15,020 --> 00:46:18,880
you into parents basements. So. But I was

709
00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:22,320
playing games and I was actually. I mean, I was with

710
00:46:22,820 --> 00:46:26,480
my previous marriage and I would go see my friends and play games

711
00:46:26,980 --> 00:46:30,290
and that was where things like there was jealousy that I

712
00:46:30,790 --> 00:46:33,490
was going out. There was jealousy and it was something I was enjoying. Friends I

713
00:46:33,990 --> 00:46:36,290
was enjoying seeing them. So I was like, I want to go see my friends.

714
00:46:36,790 --> 00:46:40,610
There's nothing bad about it. And that, you know, that was really a catalyst.

715
00:46:41,110 --> 00:46:44,130
Say, okay, if I can't even do my enjoyment because that's be there. Maybe something's

716
00:46:44,630 --> 00:46:48,330
wrong in this separated, you know, my friends live all the way out Manassas

717
00:46:48,830 --> 00:46:52,290
and I'm living in northern, I live in Alexandria area. So I'm like,

718
00:46:52,790 --> 00:46:54,370
well, what am I going to do? I want to still play. I want to

719
00:46:54,870 --> 00:46:58,510
see my friends, friends. And instead of being at home in

720
00:46:59,010 --> 00:47:01,630
that, in that recovery of separation,

721
00:47:02,830 --> 00:47:06,470
I didn't want to be stuck in my house playing video games. I always say

722
00:47:06,970 --> 00:47:10,470
I'm a wow World of Warcraft survivor. I played that. I have my 15

723
00:47:10,970 --> 00:47:15,390
year chip, still not playing it. But I didn't want to be at home online

724
00:47:16,910 --> 00:47:20,350
as an online warrior and do that. I wanted to get out. So I

725
00:47:20,850 --> 00:47:23,590
pushed myself to say, okay, I want to go out and meet people, go to

726
00:47:24,090 --> 00:47:27,310
different stores, gaming stores, meet people. And so I started

727
00:47:27,810 --> 00:47:31,470
pushing myself again through my separation when I was still with my

728
00:47:31,970 --> 00:47:34,710
mom, everything else, trying to meet people. So I'd go all over the area,

729
00:47:35,030 --> 00:47:39,070
play different games, go to small conventions. And then my trauma happened.

730
00:47:39,570 --> 00:47:42,630
So everything's really different. It was really cool though because some of my players,

731
00:47:42,710 --> 00:47:45,510
some of my game masters, they visit me in the hospital,

732
00:47:45,750 --> 00:47:49,270
they came to see me and then when I went back into that environment,

733
00:47:50,420 --> 00:47:53,860
it's very overwhelming when you're in a big store with lights, in a wheelchair,

734
00:47:54,360 --> 00:47:58,380
where you want walking looking at you differently. It's very whelming. So right

735
00:47:58,880 --> 00:48:02,500
side injury, left side negligence. So I couldn't really move my left side. I had

736
00:48:03,000 --> 00:48:05,820
a hard time. I could read, but I had a hard time with my vision.

737
00:48:06,320 --> 00:48:09,780
I had to relearn how to use my eyes. So. And right side brain

738
00:48:10,280 --> 00:48:13,420
injury. A lot of that is executive function and creative function.

739
00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:17,620
Going between the two. Well, I used a role playing game. I always moved

740
00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:21,370
like the pieces with my left side. Obviously I'm using math rocks when I roll

741
00:48:21,600 --> 00:48:25,600
dice, add those together and then I would have to do analytical

742
00:48:26,100 --> 00:48:28,960
and creative thought at the same time. So I used all that for it.

743
00:48:29,360 --> 00:48:32,720
And the company I do a lot of gaming with, Paizo is

744
00:48:33,220 --> 00:48:35,600
very much open and affirming, an inclusive company.

745
00:48:36,320 --> 00:48:39,800
And I like being in a store and feeling comfortable

746
00:48:40,300 --> 00:48:43,640
going there and someone who felt isolated, who felt lost,

747
00:48:44,140 --> 00:48:47,560
who felt like a child in a crazy world. I wanted

748
00:48:48,060 --> 00:48:51,300
to make sure that other people didn't have that, that fear that

749
00:48:51,800 --> 00:48:54,860
they're always welcome at me my table in my event.

750
00:48:55,180 --> 00:48:58,700
So that's why I've done so much with gaming with

751
00:48:59,200 --> 00:49:02,700
the organization Paizo. I mean big conventions. I do

752
00:49:03,200 --> 00:49:06,220
a lot of charity events and raising a lot of money for.

753
00:49:07,020 --> 00:49:10,500
I think last year we did. We did something on Labor Day at

754
00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:14,340
my friend's store in College park. We raised 1400 out

755
00:49:14,840 --> 00:49:18,340
$1200 for local mental health and suicide prevention

756
00:49:18,840 --> 00:49:21,850
thing in Prince William, Prince George's County. So it's like,

757
00:49:22,080 --> 00:49:25,600
like that's kind of neat where I've been able to take a game thing like

758
00:49:26,100 --> 00:49:29,400
how can I do more to help others? I do. I'm always again my

759
00:49:29,900 --> 00:49:33,600
bleeding heart is always there. I always liked helping. I used to love Christmas but

760
00:49:34,100 --> 00:49:37,400
unfortunately previous situation made me dislike Christmas just of the

761
00:49:37,900 --> 00:49:40,240
greed and this. But what I do now is I try to do a lot

762
00:49:40,740 --> 00:49:43,840
for you know, Toys for Tots. Do a lot of stuff. So I started a

763
00:49:44,340 --> 00:49:47,320
little gaming day with Toys for Tots. People bring games to,

764
00:49:47,820 --> 00:49:51,310
you know, donate toys, donate. We'd play games all day. Well, it got

765
00:49:51,810 --> 00:49:55,750
Pandemic happened which was fun. So we started going online but we

766
00:49:56,250 --> 00:50:00,750
were still in person. So we actually now this past year we had 22

767
00:50:01,250 --> 00:50:05,270
different tables across 14 different stores across the country all

768
00:50:05,770 --> 00:50:08,910
playing game, all bringing toys in for Toys for Tots.

769
00:50:09,410 --> 00:50:13,590
Wow. So I've been able to take something that. Just a hobby that

770
00:50:14,090 --> 00:50:17,630
you know, I always took particular Pandemic that sent every back in their parents basements

771
00:50:17,790 --> 00:50:20,860
but. But I take this ability to say okay,

772
00:50:21,360 --> 00:50:23,980
I'm gonna get out. I wanna see people in public. I want people to be

773
00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:27,500
able to walk in and feel comfortable where they are and we can do something

774
00:50:28,000 --> 00:50:31,100
good out of the mix too. That's I think very.

775
00:50:32,460 --> 00:50:36,300
I forget sometimes what I've been able to do and sometimes

776
00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:39,860
it seems so seamless and it isn't. I just do it.

777
00:50:40,360 --> 00:50:43,500
You know, it's the. So it's

778
00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:47,540
definitely been. It still is healing. When I have a bad day, my wife feel

779
00:50:48,040 --> 00:50:51,920
like do you wanna play a game? You wanna go see your. Because it

780
00:50:52,420 --> 00:50:55,120
is my chance to be creative. It is my chance to be able to help

781
00:50:55,620 --> 00:50:59,160
others. And it is my chance to have someone feel comfortable where

782
00:50:59,660 --> 00:51:03,360
they are. And I want everybody to have that feeling because I

783
00:51:03,860 --> 00:51:08,160
know what it was like to not be comfortable with where you were. And the

784
00:51:08,660 --> 00:51:12,120
gaming community is. I mean it's still not. I mean it's popular now but

785
00:51:12,620 --> 00:51:16,790
not like all gamers really are social butterflies. So to give them that

786
00:51:17,290 --> 00:51:20,590
ability to feel comfortable with where they are. And especially in.

787
00:51:21,390 --> 00:51:25,550
I mean, again, I'm in a very. Northern Virginia

788
00:51:26,050 --> 00:51:29,310
is very different than many parts of the country. But we have always being open

789
00:51:29,810 --> 00:51:33,710
and affirm and inclusive. We have a very large LGBTQ population,

790
00:51:34,190 --> 00:51:37,550
so we always want to make sure they are comfortable at our tables.

791
00:51:38,050 --> 00:51:41,630
And the organization Paizo is very much.

792
00:51:41,950 --> 00:51:45,590
They have characters that are an LGBTQ to make sure people

793
00:51:46,090 --> 00:51:49,540
can find things to identify. Because in the end of the day, we all

794
00:51:50,040 --> 00:51:52,700
want to feel good. We all should be able to be happy. We should all

795
00:51:53,200 --> 00:51:57,460
be able to experience joy in a safe manner. And I've

796
00:51:57,960 --> 00:52:00,460
been able to do it in such a odd, unique way.

797
00:52:00,860 --> 00:52:04,220
I love it. Have you brought people into

798
00:52:04,460 --> 00:52:08,220
the gaming world post injury to help them

799
00:52:08,300 --> 00:52:10,940
that really didn't have any experience in it before?

800
00:52:11,660 --> 00:52:16,150
Very much. I mean, actually through my different talks

801
00:52:16,650 --> 00:52:19,710
with the band and other stuff, I've had people that will reach out to me

802
00:52:20,210 --> 00:52:23,270
or just. I'll have them come join me to play or I'm traveling to see

803
00:52:23,770 --> 00:52:26,350
a concert and I have them come to a show and all of a sudden

804
00:52:26,850 --> 00:52:30,030
they love it. Now and then they're down there playing and stuff like that.

805
00:52:30,530 --> 00:52:34,190
So I went to Denver to see them play and I ended up

806
00:52:34,690 --> 00:52:37,630
playing a game and someone never really played. They wanted to see the concert and

807
00:52:38,130 --> 00:52:41,110
play games. And now they have friends out there too, that play so cool.

808
00:52:41,190 --> 00:52:45,270
And that's the neat thing about this organization. So I went to London in 20

809
00:52:46,610 --> 00:52:49,610
to see a concert, to see the band. And when I was there, I just

810
00:52:50,110 --> 00:52:53,090
reached out and I was able to play games with people in London.

811
00:52:53,650 --> 00:52:56,930
You know, it was like, it's so anywhere in the world I can literally play,

812
00:52:57,430 --> 00:53:01,250
which is kind of crazy and really neat to do. And so

813
00:53:01,750 --> 00:53:05,490
it's. It's a cool environment to have people never

814
00:53:05,990 --> 00:53:09,610
played the game before and get them to play. And all of a sudden they

815
00:53:10,110 --> 00:53:13,730
are showing up. Every year we do packs unplugged in downtown Philadelphia

816
00:53:13,810 --> 00:53:17,610
at the Philadelphia Convention Center. Always like the first weekend in December and

817
00:53:18,110 --> 00:53:20,990
we've had people never play games and now all of a sudden they show up

818
00:53:21,490 --> 00:53:24,670
every year and they have a blast with it, and that's what matters.

819
00:53:24,990 --> 00:53:28,390
Someone have the ability to throw away the crap that's been

820
00:53:28,890 --> 00:53:32,430
going on in your life or whatever and just throw some math

821
00:53:32,930 --> 00:53:36,110
rocks. Be creative, have fun. That's what matters.

822
00:53:36,270 --> 00:53:40,030
And having people see that outlet and

823
00:53:40,530 --> 00:53:43,470
how attainable it is for them is very strong. Yeah.

824
00:53:43,870 --> 00:53:46,910
Yeah. I think it has obviously become more mainstream

825
00:53:47,320 --> 00:53:50,920
with the advent of it showing up in popular culture.

826
00:53:51,480 --> 00:53:54,920
But I think too, sometimes it can still be really intimidating

827
00:53:55,420 --> 00:53:59,240
for people that have no experience in it. And so to

828
00:53:59,740 --> 00:54:03,640
know that it's such a vibrant, welcoming community that

829
00:54:04,140 --> 00:54:08,200
people are encouraged to learn and get into

830
00:54:08,600 --> 00:54:11,800
is such a wonderful thing because it really speaks to.

831
00:54:12,280 --> 00:54:16,030
At our. Our basest needs of humanity,

832
00:54:16,530 --> 00:54:20,230
which I think are community and, you know, the need to

833
00:54:20,730 --> 00:54:24,790
feel seen and to. The need to feel known. And that allows

834
00:54:25,290 --> 00:54:28,510
a path for that. Yeah, it's. Again,

835
00:54:28,990 --> 00:54:32,390
people will. What did I say in my speech? You know,

836
00:54:32,890 --> 00:54:35,910
you might forget what people said, might feel, did, but you always remember how they

837
00:54:36,410 --> 00:54:39,590
made you feel. And there isn't many photos

838
00:54:40,090 --> 00:54:43,390
of me after my trauma. My only one that was there, my father deleted

839
00:54:43,890 --> 00:54:47,260
all the other ones was me holding a comic. And it was actually the comic

840
00:54:47,760 --> 00:54:51,100
book of Jane Foster and Thor. So if anybody saw Thor,

841
00:54:51,600 --> 00:54:55,180
Love and Thunder. Jane Foster, she has cancer. When she picks up

842
00:54:55,680 --> 00:54:58,900
Thor's hammer, it all goes away and she has a superhero. I actually was at

843
00:54:59,400 --> 00:55:02,820
a comic convention and I met the writer of it and I showed him

844
00:55:03,320 --> 00:55:06,140
the picture and I told him the story. And he was just.

845
00:55:06,460 --> 00:55:09,860
I mean, he was amazed by it. I said, so imagine. I mean,

846
00:55:10,360 --> 00:55:13,030
obviously you're writing the story way before my injury happened. But, you know,

847
00:55:13,900 --> 00:55:17,260
there's one picture of me holding a comic where when you

848
00:55:17,760 --> 00:55:20,700
think about it, being trapped in your own mind, how wonderful it would be to

849
00:55:21,200 --> 00:55:24,340
be able to pick something up and become a hero. So I try to be

850
00:55:24,840 --> 00:55:28,380
the hero of my own story as much as I can. And that same event,

851
00:55:28,700 --> 00:55:31,260
I spoke to the writer of Batman,

852
00:55:31,340 --> 00:55:34,700
Tom King. I said, I met a patient and they had really

853
00:55:35,200 --> 00:55:38,180
like Batman. What would Batman say to them? And he picked up a comic and

854
00:55:38,680 --> 00:55:41,900
he said, it's okay to be scared. Everyone gets scared. Now the chance

855
00:55:42,400 --> 00:55:46,200
to be brave. Batman. Tom Kid King. Tom King used to work with soldiers.

856
00:55:46,700 --> 00:55:50,080
Ptsd. Wow. I'm actually seeing him. I'm meeting him again next weekend

857
00:55:50,580 --> 00:55:53,800
at a convention, and I'm going to bring the same story. And now the person

858
00:55:54,300 --> 00:55:57,920
that I spoke about, his story's public. So I can actually show

859
00:55:58,420 --> 00:56:01,400
him like, this is what he's been through and this is how is.

860
00:56:01,900 --> 00:56:05,640
And just to show people can get inspirations for anything.

861
00:56:06,040 --> 00:56:10,120
And when we are willing to accept that and just

862
00:56:10,620 --> 00:56:14,170
thank someone for that, that number one, it helps the artist and the writer to

863
00:56:14,670 --> 00:56:17,690
say, maybe I'm doing the right thing if I'm doing this. And, you know,

864
00:56:18,190 --> 00:56:21,530
and I'm actually seeing one of the artists of Dr. Strange. And Dr.

865
00:56:22,030 --> 00:56:25,490
Strange, I remember seeing that after my Injury. And I remember being

866
00:56:25,990 --> 00:56:29,410
in tears in the movie theater because it was a scene where he's trying after

867
00:56:29,910 --> 00:56:33,450
his head injury and crushing his hands. He was trying to relearn how to use

868
00:56:33,950 --> 00:56:37,210
his hands. And it was so powerful

869
00:56:37,710 --> 00:56:40,810
to me because I knew what it was like to try to remember how do

870
00:56:41,310 --> 00:56:44,310
I grip something again? How do I use this hand? How is it going to

871
00:56:44,810 --> 00:56:48,510
work? So just a scene in a movie did it when I went

872
00:56:49,010 --> 00:56:52,910
to the Rodin Museum in Philly. And there's a. There was a

873
00:56:53,070 --> 00:56:56,430
stat, a picture art of a sculpture of a.

874
00:56:56,930 --> 00:57:00,190
Of a clan, open hand like this. And I remember seeing that and just being

875
00:57:00,690 --> 00:57:03,990
like staring at it for like 20 minutes because I could see the power,

876
00:57:04,490 --> 00:57:07,630
I could see the fear. I could see all the pain in just a hand.

877
00:57:08,030 --> 00:57:11,900
And that was when an artist did so again. Me. Me taking the

878
00:57:12,400 --> 00:57:15,780
chance saying thank you for a creative avenue is something that's

879
00:57:16,280 --> 00:57:19,700
pretty neat. Yeah, that's amazing. What I love,

880
00:57:20,340 --> 00:57:24,620
One of the things that I love about your story is that something

881
00:57:25,120 --> 00:57:28,460
I feel very strongly about is that advocacy looks

882
00:57:28,960 --> 00:57:32,300
different for everybody. And, you know, it's not just one

883
00:57:32,800 --> 00:57:36,260
thing. And finding your corner of the world where you

884
00:57:36,760 --> 00:57:40,580
can be effective and where you can help people is so important because we

885
00:57:41,080 --> 00:57:44,520
don't all fit into the same mold and we all have different strengths, right?

886
00:57:45,020 --> 00:57:48,720
And so if we can find a way to connect with people through

887
00:57:49,220 --> 00:57:52,880
the things that we're passionate about and we're good at, then the world

888
00:57:53,380 --> 00:57:56,920
is going to be a better place. And so that's exactly what

889
00:57:57,420 --> 00:58:00,960
you're doing over and over again. And you're affecting

890
00:58:01,360 --> 00:58:05,200
people's lives and you're affecting change just by showing

891
00:58:05,700 --> 00:58:09,880
up as yourself, but in a way that's very intentional

892
00:58:10,380 --> 00:58:14,310
and in a way that matters. And so especially, you know, in our, our current

893
00:58:14,390 --> 00:58:17,830
world where things are absolutely insane,

894
00:58:18,330 --> 00:58:21,830
bananas wild, I think it's so important to

895
00:58:23,110 --> 00:58:26,830
know how you can show up for other human

896
00:58:27,330 --> 00:58:31,310
beings in. In these moments, because that is

897
00:58:31,810 --> 00:58:34,070
where true change comes from.

898
00:58:35,990 --> 00:58:39,670
So I have a question that I ask everybody at the end of each episode,

899
00:58:39,750 --> 00:58:43,310
which is through the lens of your experience, what does

900
00:58:43,810 --> 00:58:47,790
compassion mean to you? You compassion is

901
00:58:48,830 --> 00:58:52,030
accepting others for their struggles.

902
00:58:52,190 --> 00:58:55,710
And compassion to show them that

903
00:58:56,270 --> 00:58:59,630
you know, that they are. They are safe with you and

904
00:59:00,130 --> 00:59:03,950
that you can accept. I learned

905
00:59:04,110 --> 00:59:07,390
compassion, acceptance and forgiveness. Only things we can offer each other.

906
00:59:07,950 --> 00:59:11,790
And I can forgive transgressions,

907
00:59:12,290 --> 00:59:15,160
and I can accept them where they are, and I can be compassionate, passionate for

908
00:59:15,560 --> 00:59:19,240
what led them here and being able to help them, you know,

909
00:59:19,740 --> 00:59:22,120
move forward with it. Yeah. Awesome.

910
00:59:22,600 --> 00:59:26,320
Thank you so much and best wishes.

911
00:59:26,820 --> 00:59:30,440
Best luck for your journey moving forward. I know you'll continue to

912
00:59:30,520 --> 00:59:33,760
affect change and excited to see where that

913
00:59:34,260 --> 00:59:37,920
takes you. Thank you very much. I appreciate it very much. Thank you for

914
00:59:38,420 --> 00:59:42,130
listening to the human experience. Everyone has a story and I'd

915
00:59:42,630 --> 00:59:45,410
love to hear yours. So be sure to check out the show notes for more

916
00:59:45,910 --> 00:59:49,410
information about how to stay in touch, do good and love well.